What the Hell Is This? Appliance Edition

I think today I reached the end of the internet. I discovered that there is a product that tracks the age* of the eggs in your refrigerator and wirelessly communicates that information to your smartphone.

I have...so many questions.

1. How often do people have eggs that go bad in their refrigerator?
2. If you don't use eggs often enough that they *do* go bad in your refrigerator, why would you invest in a device to help with this? 
3. Isn't cheaper to just throw out the eggs?
4. Why eggs? A milk minder would be so much handier? Or a coffee minder! 
5. How stupid are we?
6. Why?
7. How?
8. What the hell??

*It only keeps track of when you place the egg in the tray. Not the actual age of the egg. Not that it matters. 

Well, That Was Unexpected

I am unemployed. After working for over ten years as a devoted employee, today I was laid off.
I'm still in shock.
One upside, more time for blogging.

This Could Be a New Feature

I was at the mall on Friday and wandered into Yankee Candle. I don't know if I have ever stepped foot in there before but someone had suggested one of their candles scents and I wanted to give it a sniff. Then I saw this.

I was immediately repulsed and marched straight out of the store. I think I'm most offended by the registration mark next to God Bless America, like, "Yeah, Yankee Candle, that phrase is yours now. Go you." But the whole image, Lady Liberty, the flag, a candle shop in a mall. It made me flee. I posted about it on Instagram/Facebook. 

"Really disappointed that this God Bless America candle (tm) doesn't smell like roasted Bald Eagles and jingoism."

On my way out the door, though, I spotted this beauty.

In case you can't quite make out the image that's a hand pointing a remote control at a television with sports on. Because men! Again, total revulsion. It's 2014. We still define men as primarily sitting in front of TVs watching sports? And they need their own candle fragrances? What happens when a man walks into a room where a scented candle--not a Man Candle--is burning? Does is repel them like a force field? Burn them to death like that toxic gas in Catching Fire? I live with three men. I need to know.

 Again I took to social media.

"This one, I believe, smells like day old pepperoni pizza and regret."

Franklin and I had a little talk about man candles.

If I'm not careful I'm going to end up like this Youtuber who almost exclusively does exhaustive reviews of Bath and Body Works candles. A man, I'd like to point out. 

In the meantime I'll leave you with this bit authentic marketing genius from Yankee Candle.

Only Eight Inches of Beaded Hell to Go

I'm on the final row of Celaeno. These last few rows have taken days to knit. There is a bead placed nearly every other stitch so it's *purl one, pick up crochet hook, pick up bead, place bead on stitch, replace stitch on needle, knit stitch, repeat from *200 times. I had better love this shawl more than I have ever loved any other shawl when I'm done.

I'm Still Not Ready to Redo the 80s

Yesterday while walking to lunch I passed a young woman wearing a denim mini skirt and white Moon Boots. This must mean that I'm getting really old because the fashions of my junior high school years are being revived yet again. And if the Technica Moon Boots don't do it for you there's always Dolce & Gabbana kids' Shiny Laced Moon Boots for $185! Yes, for children. For $185. Shit, I am old.

Wow, Now That is Bitchy

For once I'm not the one doing the insane ranting. There is someone out in blogland who does not like my Thursday posts and has taken it upon himself to leave insulting comments, allegedly from me, on the blogs of people who do like my Thursday posts. Once again someone tries to tell me that I am rude by being really rude. So, long story short, if there is a nasty comment on your blog (that is misspelled and/or is missing punctuation) it's probably not from me. Please block that IP address. Sorry and thanks.

Has the World Gone Mad?

I today I passed a woman at the mall with her--get this--miniature pony! Just sitting in front of the Apple store like it was a completely average, normal thing to do.



Then we passed a woman sitting at a table removing her toenail polish. Uh, what?

And then the guy behind me driving home was texting on his phone the entire ride while reading from his laptop that was propped open on his dashboard!

Am I being too picky or have people just lost their freaking minds?

This is Why I Hate People

Someone decided that--instead of using one of the many free and legal parking spaces available on our street--he would park his truck across our driveway and on our parking strip, blocking both of our garages and decimating the wood chip pile.



Nice move, asshole.

Bella would never park like that.



ETA: The police actually came a while after we called them. And now the truck is gone.

A Trip to Costco

While walking through the parking lot at Costco--in a marked crosswalk with the children--we were nearly struck by a woman who a) did not stop for us b) was driving erratically because she was c) texting on her phone. As she rolled by us, staring at her phone, I called out to the children to be careful because "she isn't going to stop for us because she's TEXTING ON HER CELL PHONE!" She seemed startled...you know, because she hadn't noticed us in the crosswalk in the first place.

Then older son said, imagining the driver's next text message, said, "And...now..some...crazy...woman...is...yelling...at...me."

Eavesdropping Ur Doin it Wrong

I was in a coffee shop with the boys this afternoon having a snack. There was a guy at the table opposite us who was clearly listening in on our conversation. Younger son was asking me is they had watches "in the olden age." I was asking him for some clarification about when "the olden age" occurred. As we stood up to leave the guy stops me and says, "Excuse me, ma'am. What did your son want to know about the 'olden age?'" My inner-New Yorker reared right up and shot back, "How is that any of your business?" and stormed out. Seriously, just because you're eavesdropping doesn't mean you're actually part of the conversation.

Oh, and mind your own damned business!

Home Again Crappity Crap

I dutifully trudged to the gym this morning for my run. When I got there there was a sign on the front desk saying the women's locker room would be closed from 10-11. In other words, for exactly the time I need it to be open so I don't show up at work stinky and sweaty. So I turned around and came home. Damn.

I think the body of Lamour is done to the armholes. I started a sleeve last night. Thanks for all the suggestions about my measuring conundrum. I will most likely ignore it all and just wing it. Sorry precise people out there. That's just not me.

As Long as I'm Stirring the Pot

Last night after writing my blog post Wes and I sat down to watch the Oprah show about talking to children about sex. Anyone who knows me knows that I am very open and frank with my children about sex. Watching the show got me thinking several things.

1) My objection to the BK ad isn't about sex. I can talk to my kids about sex and sexuality until the cows come home.
2) When the Oprah show says "talking to your kids about sex" what they mean is "mothers talking to daughters about sex." As a mom and a dad with sons watching this show I thought they really missed the boat. It's not about just arming girls with information and confidence to they can defend themselves against the hordes of hormone-crazed boys who will endlessly come sniffing around. We should be sending the same message to boys and girls about intimacy, confidence and responsibility.
3) The most controversial part of the show was the suggestion by Laura Berman that mothers should talk to girls in their teens about masturbation. The audience went nuts. Would anyone have batted an eye if the suggestion was made to discuss masturbation with teenage boys? I don't really think so.

Coincidentally starting on Tuesday my older son will begin sex education at school. I'm really interested to see how it is approached and his reaction to it.

I will have a finished sweater to show you later today. I promise no more kids and sex talk for a while.

BK Follow Up

Okay so the reaction to this ad campaign seems to be breaking down along the lines of whether or not you have kids. Given that my kids don't watch commercial television I never imagined they'd be exposed to this ad. So it still seemed funny to me. Then today as I was leaving a restaurant after lunch with my children we walked past the TVs in the bar this ad happened to be on. Now I'm fairly angry. My children (boys, 9 and nearly-11) went insane.

"Oh my god! What was that?"
"Why are they measuring those women's butts?"
"Why are they showing those women's butts?"
"That's disgusting!"

I can't help but feel that I've done something right so far that my children are not accustomed or inured to the objectification of women. And I still stand by my original sentiment that, however fun a riff on Sir Mixalot is, selling children's items--whether to children or their parents--with scantily-clad women shaking their asses is inappropriate. I know my boys will continue to be bombarded with ladies in hot pants shaking their asses at them in an attempt to sell them things and I hope as they grow up they will remember how much this offends me. I hope it will offend them too.

Let's File This Under "Good Intentions Meet Poor Reasoning"

Dayton Mother Caught Breast Feeding and Driving.

I get it. When the kid's hungry, you have to feed it. BUT PULL OVER! Geez...

I'm Sorry, Those Only Come in One Size

I worked a pizza place when I was in high school that made 10" and 13" pizzas; we called them small and large. Often customers would ask for a "small 10" pizza." If I was feeling impish I would sometimes say, "I'm sorry. We only have one size 10" pizza."

Today I walked by a bar with a sign that read "16 oz. 20 oz. pints." I'm sorry, guys, but pints only come in one size.

Disgruntlement Pays Off

Seattle to use salt in future storms

Of course, now it won't snow for another two years.

Oh Come On!

Now school is canceled because it might snow today. That is just silly.

BTW, there was absolutely no snow overnight.

A Pep Talk for Seattle

People of Seattle,

Chill the fuck out. There is a possibility of "a few snow showers." You all are acting like Armegeddon is imminent. It's a little snow. Maybe. Just don't do any unnecessary driving on hills. You'll be fine.

You may also be concerned because it is supposed to get cold. By which I mean Seattle-cold. Yes, it will go below freezing. There may be a 24 hour period where it stays below freezing. You'll be okay. Just shelve those flip flops and your lightweight fleece and put on some socks and a coat.

You will survive this. I have faith in you.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Car and Motorcycle Advice

If you are driving a motorcycle and decide that instead of stopping at a stop sign you will instead pass the car in front of you (on the right) while they stop don't be alarmed when the driver does not let you pass and honks at you. Don't rev your engine and zip in front of the car then slam on your brakes while gesturing to the driver something that suggest "who's the boss now?"

Best case scenario: You live to see another day.
Worst case scenario: The car driver crushes you like a bug.

I would instead advise you to follow the rules of the road thus avoiding drama and crushed extremities.

If you are driving a car and feel that a motorcyclist should not pass you on the right at a stop sign. Let it go. Don't try to outrace an unreasonable person in a very busy pedestrian area.

Best case scenario: You don't hurt anyone.
Worst case scenario: You crush someone like a bug.

I would instead advise you to follow the rules of the road thus avoiding drama and crushed extremities.

Note: I was not the driver, nor the motorcyclist, in this scenario. I was merely the lucky person walking alongside them while they had this vehicular pissing match. And had to attempt to explain to my son why everyone was yelling and honking while reaching for my cell phone in case I needed to call 911.

Let's File This Under "Worst Ideas Ever"

Texas school district to let teachers carry guns